On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas…

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Twelve lords a-leaping…

Appearing in court today was Mr Mike Rullove after his bizarre campaign of terror against a local family…

DOX.012

The moral of the story of ‘The Twelve Days Of Christmas’ is that sometimes the person giving the gifts doesn’t know that they’re unwelcome. They might reasonably think that their gifts are a romantic gesture that’s blowing Daisy away.

Or – as in this case – Daisy was clear and honest with everyone, told Mike to stop and he should’ve done.

But really, who wouldn’t think it a romantic and not annoying gesture to send; twelve jumping lords, twenty-two dancing ladies, thirty pipers, thirty-six drummers, forty milkmaids and their cows, forty-two swans and geese, forty calling birds, thirty french hens, twenty-two turtle doves and a dozen partridges in their respective pear trees?

Although even someone as shallow as Daisy wouldn’t mind about the forty gold rings.

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas…

On the eleventh day of Christmas my truelove sent to me,
Eleven ladies dancing…

Dear Mr Rullove,

As the solicitor for Miss Daisy Christmas and her family I have been asked to inform you that you and your gifts are no longer welcome at their home. Please do not contact them again, and any further deliveries – new or repeated from previous days – will be considered a section 2 harassment.

You will have fulfilled these criteria because you have been asked now to cease and desist, as is required in such a case.

I would ask you to contact my office at the address above to make arrangements to collect the presents in a timely manner. If you choose not to do so the gifts will be disposed of and the family will send you a bill for any out of pocket expenses.

Daisy assures me that your intentions were well meant, and this is the reason the family are not already seeking charges against you. You are lucky she is so forgiving and not given imagining you are a pantomime villain with evil intent. In the light of her feelings, the family have decided this is appropriate under the circumstances, however now you are aware that your attentions are unwelcome, and know of the distress the gifts are causing to the family and to the neighbourhood, we hope you recognise that you have overplayed your romantic gesture and stop.

Yours sincerely,

A Barrister, QC

DOX.011

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas…

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Ten pipers piping…

Bagpipes now? What’s wrong with you? The neighbours are on the verge of point of storming the house with flaming torches, and quite frankly I can see their point.

The drummers yesterday were bad enough. Particularly after all the fighting animals and screeching birds keeping everybody awake all night. I think you hate me.

Since Christmas you’ve sent thirty gold rings (thank you, I’ll keep those!), eighteen drummers, twenty four cows and women dressed as milk maids, twenty eight swans, thirty geese,  twenty eight calling birds, twenty four hens, eighteen doves, ten partridges in ten pear trees. And now these people playing bagpipes.

If you keep this up I’m going to the police. 

DOX.010

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas…

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Nine drummers drumming…

Dear Mike,

I never realised how much the twelve days of Christmas drag on until they become twelve mornings where you dread the next delivery. I thought it was just to do with how long you’re allowed to keep your Christmas decorations up.

It doesn’t matter what you send anyway. We’ve had a letter from the council. There’ve been complaints from the neighbours and the council think we have an unregistered zoo. They’re going to fine us if we don’t get rid of all the birds. The council noise abatement people turned up just as nine bloody drummers came around the corner. And all the sodding birds, cows, and the rest. What the hell do you expect me to do with them all. You can only eat so many eggs, chickens and geese. The swans attacked the geese. The screeching and squawking was unbearable. Have you ever tried to stop a fight between two dozen massive flapping birds? It’s impossible. It’s downright dangerous. What’s worse, it scared the cows, and they trampled the garden

I’ve asked you to stop, but you just don’t. And now we’re in trouble. We’re going to get fined, sued and maybe even arrested.

Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me!

Daisy.

DOX.009

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas…

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Eight maids a-milking…

Mike,

Are you taking the piss? Why have you sent me a bunch of women dressed as milk maids, each with a cow in tow?

Dad’s livid. The cows trampled all over the front garden, and you think he was cross about the bird mess in the conservatory? That’s nothing compared to the cows.

All the birds again. Well, we let the doves go straight away, and dad took the chickens and geese into the back garden and did for them. Thank god he’s not squeamish, wight them all running around after he’d taken their heads off with the hand axe. Why he said your name each time, I’m not sure.

But look, I said stop. You must. Now.

Daisy.

DOX.008

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas…

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Seven swans a-swimming…

Dear Micheal,

Happy new year. I suppose, but after a very late night being woken by a delivery of swans, geese, singing birds, hens, and doves at seven o’clock this morning wasn’t the best start to a year we could’ve had. And I wish the blasted things would shut up. In honesty, the novelty is wearing off and I have a hangover. The noise isn’t helping.

At least we can kill the chickens, the geese and all the rest, and eat them. But not swans. If we kill them we’re in trouble.

Dad’s ready to brain you. The girls were so impressed last night, but this morning they’d happily kill you too, and I can see their point.

You have to stop now, you’ve taken it too far.

Yours, Daisy.

DOX.007

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas…

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Six geese a-laying…

Dear Mike,

Geese? Really? And all the other birds again?

I thought you were onto jewellery. But now it’s twelve calling birds, twelve hens, twelve doves (okay, only four are left), six partridges, six pear trees, and ten gold rings. It’s very generous, but I’m beginning to see Dad’s point. Thank heavens it’ll all stop tomorrow with new year.

The girls got here. They’re spending half the time taking the mickey out of Dad for all the gifts I’m getting, and half the time taking the mickey out of me. I think they’re jealous.

But… Really, enough of the birds. They’ve been lovely, but we’re already having to give away chickens and partridges. It doesn’t seem right for you to send me presents you know I’ll be giving away. We just don’t have the space for them. So no more, okay darling?

Happy new year for tonight. I’ll be thinking of you at midnight.

Daisy x

DOX.006

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas…

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Five gold rings…

Dear Mike,

I think if it had just been five gold rings Dad would’ve been happier. But four more calling birds, three more hens, two more doves, a partridge and another pear tree he got a bit cross about it. But thank god you’re off your bird fixation and onto jewellery! Much less likely to get up Dad’s nose. Not to mention the neighbours.

You’ll be pleased to know that I caught the doves this time. Dad won’t let me keep them in the conservatory for long, though. He says the partridges are making enough mess, and if there’s going to be a bunch of doves crapping all over the place, too, I’ll have to do the cleaning up. You wouldn’t want me to have to clean up after the birds, would you. No, of course not.

Lots more fresh eggs for breakfast though, he wasn’t complaining about that, and we didn’t have to search the garden because the hens were all in the new chicken run.

All the time we can hear the eight calling birds singing away. Dad says he could hear them all night, too. I think he was happy about that.

Two days until New Year. We’re all so excited, and of course January is when I see you again.

All my love,

Daisy

DOX.005

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas…

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Four calling birds…

Dear Mike,

It’s really too much. I didn’t buy you anything like this for Christmas. Four days of presents! And today you’ve sent me everything again: A tree with a bird in it, two more doves (I’m so sorry, they flew away again, I ought to have realised what they were and kept the doors closed when I opened the box in the conservatory). Three more hens and now four birds – and they sing so beautifully!

I had an egg for breakfast from yesterday’s hens. Dad and Mum had one each, too. It was the least I could do after the mess the partridges are making of the conservatory floor, even with paper down.

I think he’s a bit fed up. Mum keeps going on about how romantic it is, and why hasn’t he ever done anything like it for her. Poor Dad, you’re really showing him up. I think she’s most impressed by the orchard you’ve sent so far. The birds are just the icing on the cake.

Dad’s outside now building a chicken run for all six chickens. Mum and I are watching him through the conservatory windows while we listen to the calling birds sing. He looks cold, but he says it’ll be worth it to stop them scratching up his garden.

Oh, Mike, I do miss you. New Years Eve will be sad without you. Thank goodness the girls are coming over.

All my love,

Daisy xx

DOX.004